Thursday, July 31, 2008

It is what it is....Or is it?

I sit here typing and crying while my son screams. His occupational therapist is trying to hold him down since he was throwing a fit. I could no longer sit there and watch as my sweet baby looked into my eyes as to say "Why aren't you taking me from her?". Is it the right thing to do? I have no idea? There are so many things I don't know. I always try to distract when he is having a fit, upset by whatever, since he can't communicate his wants. This is killing me. He finally stopped, now interested in something she has. It is very hard to know if the different actions are "Autistic" or are just being a two year old. Kevin and I will discuss when he gets home if that is a practice we want continued or not.

This week has been awful, since Monday, Will has been avoiding eye contact, his face has been broken out, he has NOT been sleeping well at all, (I think we went through 6 night time diapers last night). He has been having serious fits, pulling hair, head butting etc, etc. So either he is going through some kind of detox, his tooth hurts (still waiting for our appointment), or he is just being "autistic" (Is that bad to say?). I hate the not knowing. I wish he could just tell me.

He hasn't said mom in like a week, I find myself aching to hear it. I have been around other kids his age a lot lately and sometimes I cry when I hear them talking. Just makes me wonder if he will ever really talk or not? Fears that I hate that I let into my mind. Mostly I think of things like this when I wake up during the night.

"Autism is isolating", you hear that a lot at the beginning. People don't know how to act, what to say. Some of them just glad that its your kid and not theirs. I hate going anywhere. People stare and say stupid things. They look at you like your child is just a brat. (especially at the library, we won't do that again....Will likes the echo!: ) I want to scream 'He's has autism', but I don't feel like I should have to defend the behavior either. I wish there was a park, a pool, a play area where you could go and not feel like everyone was judging. (Mind you, I don't think I will always be this sensitive but getting used to thing are always hard for me).

As you can see this is a down week for me, I feel like Will in that I have big ups and big downs. Even with the great improvements we have seen so far (we are just a little over a month since diagnosis), things are still really hard. Kevin hides it better than me, he thinks he needs to stay strong for me. I cry at the drop of a hat. Tomorrow I will probably be fine, ready to take on the world, or at least this disability! Today, not so much...


  1. I know exactly how you feel...our son was diagnosed in September and I still cry at the drop of a hat...I'm sure that will change with time. Just hang in there and look for support within your community (or on-line) you have a local ASA chapter? My son is in an autism preschool and I organized a few of the moms to go to coffee at least once per's comforting to sit and talk with others that are dealing with the same issues...and share ideas too!

  2. Oh, we definitely need to get together for a playdate. Our sons sound so much alike. I have a pool if Will enjoys swimming. You certainly won't get any stares or questions from us. Email me!